Adventures of a (Former) Stay at Home Dad

Big T got a job this week. We are all excited, yet a little bit sad about it. His stay at home dad days are over for now. He's excited to get out of the house and have some adult interaction, but he really misses Baby T. And Baby T really misses him. I miss the fun stories and emails and pictures I would get while working. In honor of this end of an era, I've included the best and funniest stay at home dad anecdotes below. These are different emails that I've gotten at work while Big T and Baby T were at home living it up.

At the park, when Baby T tried out the swing for the first time:
Ummmm dad? I don't mean to alarm you, but I think someone is following me.

This one made me laugh so hard I was crying:
Subject: My inner monologue of the past 5 minutes

Holy hell we have an explosion! This is not a drill people! Code BROWN. I need all hands on the poop deck. This job is too big for wipes we need to put the subject in the decontamination tub stat. Oh jesus he's peeing on the floor. Wait is that poop on my hand? Oh god its spreading. Now its on the shower curtain. Its worse then I thought we need a containment unit now! The subject is escaping unclothed. Don't worry about that now I have shit everywhere. Put a diaper on him for christs sake. Situation is resolved.

Shortly after we started Baby T on solids:
So I could just smell what was going on in your sons pants from across the room. Isn't there anyway we could keep him on just breast milk for 4 or 5 more years?

After a growth spurt:
And its officially time to retire the vibrating chair. I think its funny that he's still trying to watch Sid [the Science Kid on TV]

Bath Time Fun:
So I was using that little green frog and suctioning it to his knees and tummy and when he would grab it it would un-suction and would squeak and he would giggle. But once again Daddy took it a little too far.

Soon after learning to crawl:

The kid just crawled head first straight into the corner of a wall. So don't be shocked by a little bump/ bruise when you get home.

During Baby T's nursing strike when I made Big T feed him with a cup instead of the bottle:

He has done half bottle half cup. I start with the cup but once he either starts to fall asleep or grabs the cup and pours it on his head I know its time to lie down with a bottle. 

And this one requires me to give you a little background.

Background: In the middle of the night one night, Big T suddenly woke me up, saying, "What was that noise?" I hadn't heard anything, so I told him not to worry about it and to go to sleep. But he seemed a little freaked out. I rolled over and went back to sleep. Ten minutes later, I heard the biggest crash I have ever heard in my life. I mean, the entire house shook. The only thought racing through my mind was that Baby T's crib had imploded on him. I jumped up, fumbling for my glasses on the nightstand while Big T jumped over the bed in one fell swoop. I was yelling, "What the F, what the F what the F" (or something to that effect.) We raced to the front of the house and into the nursery, where Baby T was sleeping safe and sound. I scooped him up and hugged him to me, relieved, but Big T was still freaking out. I told him everything was ok, Baby T is fine, but he said we had to figure out what the noise was.

It turns out it was the big green frog that was suction cupped to the side of the tub holding up the tub toys. The suction cups had let loose and the frog and all the toys had fallen into the tub, echoing through the house. Big T later told me that #1). He thought someone was living in our attic and had crashed through the ceiling and #2). All he could understand of what I was saying after we heard the crash was MULUAH MULUAH MULUAH!

So one day, he emails me:

"I wish you would have told me when we were trying to get pregnant that there was a good chance you would give birth to the anti christ. Ooops wait his head just spun around and he spewed asparagus soup. He's definitely possessed. Actually I think I just figured it out. On the first Sunday of the winter solstice at midnight if you scream MULUHA MULUHA MULUHA! Your offspring becomes a liquid leaking fang growing nocturnal demon child. Damn you and your wiccaness."